The Midnight News 07.19.04

Posted by Hyatte on 07.19.2004

Hart vs Flair, DDP, Foley, Box Office, HHH, Movie Quotes, Typos, and Who's That Girl?

About Scott Keith's current love-life, as hypothesized last week...

Good crud, you have TOTALLY tagged the Netcop on the girlfriend issue. Up until recently my Raw recap on (Big Website) was NEVER ready to be sent in before his rant was up.

(Big recapper on BIG web site who asked not to be named. Yes, you probably know him)

Alas... Scooter's gettin' SOME

About my recent computer problems...

So...glorydog@cox.net eh? You faggot...your email's hosted on cocks network?! Hi8 loves the cock! Figures. Your computer crashed because it's a piece of junk, scrotum-eyes. Your columns are like my dick. Too long, a slap in the face, cum and suck it! And you lost all your porn stuff!? Bitch.

(log-in and password to awesome porn site)

Last time I checked, the password was working. Of course if you're no more intelligent than an amoeba (probably) then go ahead and share it and the userid/password won't work no more coz it'll get frozen from *too many IPs-same username*. Buffoon.

Here's another site, a backdoor URL. You sick bastard.

(gives me other site)

No id/password needed. It's Asian, nothing but voyeur stuff. Updated everyday. Download links (zip files) are the japanese

katakana script (chicken scrawlings to you, ignorant anus ignoramus) next to the pictures in the middle of

the screen. And only the 1st page works, so don't go to any linked pages(left and top menus). You Homo Erectus-less.

I've also got a guide to life question for you. No, I don't. I don't need your gay guides to life shit. Why don't you just tell all them sad muppets -who can't score with girls- the Real Way to pick up girls? Just introduce yourself as 'Optimus Prime' and say your dick's name is 'He-Man'. Works every time. Fucking guaranteed.

keep up the good work,

Jo from Singapore

These are my favorite letters... I get free stuff AND called names!

Hey fuckhead, You should run “oxymoron” through dictionary.com sometime, because twice in the past month you’ve used it in the *exact* opposite of the correct way.

Jason Hart.

These are NOT my kind of favorite letters... just names and no free stuff.

And WHO YOU CALLING FUCKHEAD??? YOU'RE THE FUCKHEAD!

Ha! Hyatte wins again.

regarding another segment from last week's column...

Johnny Landin Yo: im 17. how old r u?

Johnny Landin Yo: im touching my cock. Tell me what to do with it.

Hyatte1com: WHAT??

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,,Well man, did ya tell him what to do with it or what? AHAHAHAH OH GOD I'M DYIN HERE..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That's just to goddamned funny.

Smitty

No, what's funny is what happened AFTERWARDS... and what CONTINUES to happen.... I WAS going to get into it this week but decided to wait a while. IF I have to I'll explain EVERYTHING... and trust me, it's HUGE. Keep your eyes opened. This is something EVERYONE can get into... even YOU.

Something's coming.

Hey Mosquitodicks, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News! Action, excitment, and hard-edged drama all in one little column! And we're off...

BUT, PLUGS

You can't be blamed for missing

Thursday's Midnight News, seeing how it lasted about a day before getting buried. Well, in that column we had Vince McMahon, a list of which wrestlers Jasmine St. Claire banged, a theory as to who the new Smackdown GM will be, Widro badmouthing someone on the site, Flea, wrestling quotes, a hilarious joke, and Guide to Life Advice that people LIKE you so desperately need! It's Omega, it's Thursday, and it's a nice little treat for you people! Read it, then read the next one before that gets buried too!

Are you a kid? A teenager? A disallusioned youth? Do you have an INTELLIGENT voice that CRIES to be heard? ARe you politically aware, unusually so for a kid your age? Then go here and read what my friend Andrew has to say. I'm totally serious and this is NOT rasslin' related. I'm just doing a favor for something that is actually a good idea.

HART TO NOSE

Bret vs Ric, Hart vs Flair, Excellence of Execution vs The Nature Boy, "Best There Is, Was, Ever Will Be vs WOOO. Debates are raging! Water Coolers are CROWDED. Familes are divided! WHO IS THE BEST???

So, let's break it down:

BODY:

BRET: Younger, firmer, bulkier... yet weaker than a Mexican's excuse for not showing up to work because of his stroke. His usual uptight, pissy attitude shows all the signs of possessing a small penis. Has a normal nose.

FLAIR: Older, flabbier... had that mysterious growth down near his kidneys... yet is quite proud to swing his penis around wherever he is. Nose can house a family of three.

WINNER: Flair

HAIR:

BRET: Shampoo is for hosers, eh?

FLAIR: Who says only fags use bleach?

WINNER: tie

STYLE:

BRET: Solid, professional, wrestling-oriented wrestling style rooted mostly on the mat. Is proud of his record for safety. Will take a table bump, but only when the WWF was starting to experiment with table bumps, thus it's unknown how far he was willing to go with that. Rarely bleeds

FLAIR: Flamboyant, professional, wrestling-oriented. Can go mat-style chain wrestling but prefers a more "I toss you, you toss me" approach. More humble about his record for not injuring (stiffing) people, but is known for only going stiff when his opponent goes stiff first. Can't even climb to the top rope without getting tossed. Flips over the top rope upside down and ALWAYS gets fucked for it. Busted out the table spots against terry Funk in the 80's and that was MORE than enough for him, thank you very much. Will bleed from a strong gust of wind.

WINNER: Hart

WORK ETHIC:

BRET: Known to slag at house shows. But will work to make anyone look good and can deliever an awesome match under the right circumstances.

FLAIR: According to everyone, has never slagged a day in his life. Has been accused (by asshole sheet writers) for "over-selling".

They may have a point... the man tried to make Alex Wright look like a superstar, for the love of CHRIST!

WINNER: Flair

SACRIFICE:

BRET: Lost his brother and his career to the business. Lost his wife after he was forced to retire and stare at her all day/all night

FLAIR: Lost his first wife and oodles of money. Lost more oodles of money after Eric bischoff tried to sue his ass.

WINNER: Hart... but this is real close.

MARK LOVE:

BRET: Has the support of Meltzer, Bischoff (well, it's a safe bet), Hogan (him too), Scooter Keith, and all of Canada

FLAIR: has the support of Meltzer (make up your effing mind, bitch. Pick a daddy and DEAL), Wade Keller, Buddy Landel, Dusty Rhodes, most of the "boys", and America

WINNER: Flair

NATIONALITY:

BRET: Canadian

FLAIR: American

WINNER: Flair (fucking DUH)

QUALITY OF OPPONENTS

They pretty much fought everyone so let's just focus on each man's greatest opponent

BRET: HBK is his greatest opponent. Each match was special due to the sheer backstage hatred they shared for each other

FLAIR: Steamboat is his greatest opponent. Each match was special due to each man's pure skills.

WINNER Flair (Only because they wrestled more memorable matches

QUALITY OF RATS

BRET: Sunny, Sherri, a young Stephanie, Linda McMahon, Missy Hyatt, probably 10% of the Canadian female population.

FLAIR: Woman, Precious, Missy Hyatt, Elizabeth, countless Southern sluts.

WINNER: There are no losers in this category

NAIVETE

BRET: Was fucked over by Vince McMahon in front of... everyone because he thought he could still be WWF champion while WCW bragged about signing him.

FLAIR: Was fucked over by Bischoff and Hogan after he worked hard to BRING Hogan to WCW

WINNER: Flair is one dumb motherfukka (Bret's just too damn proud)

ATTITUDE

BRET: Apparently, can find something to bitch about with a sunrise. Ain't afraid to speak his mind.

FLAIR: It took a paycheck from a publisher to finally say ANYTHING about the business.

WINNER: Hart.

MOVE SET

BRET: Let's see: Bulldog, Russian Legsweep, Something, Something else, Sharpshooter... IT'S THE SAME 5 MOVES

FLAIR: Begging on his knees, thumb to the eye, Standing Knee drop, about 900 chops (the effectiveness rests solely on his opponents willingness to sell), the Figure Four (only mid-carders submit to it anymore). Give me a BREAK...

WINNER: Hart. Shut up. Flair is JUST AS GUILTY of sticking with his favorite moves as Bret is. This BULLSHIT about Bret's limited move-set is RIDICULOUS if it's being compared with Flair.

OVERALL ENTERTAINMENT VALUE:

BRET: Rock solid performer who knew what he was doing and knew what the fans wanted.

FLAIR: Same, except knew how to give the fans more than what they deserved, all the time.

WINNER: Flair

SCORE:

Ric Flair: 7 - Bret Hart: 4.

Now, someone tell Bret that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with being the #2 greatest wrestler ever...

Jesus.

DDP(AY ME)

Want to get Diamond Dallas Page to work YOUR Independant show? Well, all you need is $6000.

And a limo to take him to and from the airport.

AND a few extra thousands dollars to hire Chris Kanyon

OR (recently retired) Bam Bam Bigelow

OR Dusty Rhodes

OR Dustin Rhodes

OR Raven... because those are the ONLY five people Page will work with..

Well, actually don't bother with one of them. Raven wants nothing to do with Page anymore... which is funny since when he first started in WCW he looked up to Page as a mentor... almost a father-figure....

That's Page's going rate for an Indy appearence! He'll sandwich them in between corporate Motivational speeches, movie roles, and general latching onto any promoter who he thinks will build a competing fed around him.

The GOOD news... Page will deduct $200 if, during his match, the play by play man remarks "Page is a 45 year who looks like a 35 year old and who wrestles like a 25 year old." Just so long as he doesn't BITCH about saying it, like that fat clown Mark Madden did.

AND THAT'S NOT ALL... for just $500 more Page will hug you (the promoter) in front of staff AND audience and say, "FINALLY!!"

For an additional $100 Page will let someone's wife beat him up

And... if the entire locker room treats him like the grimy, tattooed, burnt out Christ that he is, after the card Page will take the whole staff to their nearest stripclub and show EVERYONE how to cadge 2 LAP DANCES for the price of one.

Act now, and Page will list every single famous person he's ever met... all the name-dropping you can possibly handle ABSOLUTELY FREE! If you're lucky, he'll even let you glimpse the numbers on his cell phone! Or you can just ask him!

Come on.... it's such a small price to pay in order for your Indy fed to feel the BANG!!!

A SPECIAL DAY... A SPECIAL MOMENT

Mick Foley will be appearing at an ROH show on in September in Elizabeth NJ.

Forget the scandal! Forget the spot fests! Forget all of it! This is Foley showing up in another wrestling company to stick it to Ric Flair, to make a statement that will shock the wrestling world and bring Vince to his knees! Mick Foley breaking loyalty to the McMahon's and the WWE publicity machine that promotes his books and brings him back into the spotlight when he feels like it will be one of the biggest stories of the year!

People, this is going to change wrestling forever. We will never forget what Foley has to say. The wrestling world will be turned on it's ear in Elizabeth, NJ. Wrestling as we know it we never, ever be the same.

Yes, after Foley appears at ROH and shocks the world, we will never forget the date.

From now on, September 11th will mean something to wrestling fans everywhere!

It's about bloody time, too!

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!

1) I, Robot: $52.2 million opening weekend. It's Will Smith vs a huge bunch of WHITE robots!! Pure sci-fi drivel, or Smith's subtle attempt to win back the street? Well, take it from me, it won't work until he starts slinging the n-word in his lyrics, fo rizzle!

WHITE robots, children! WHITE!!! The Fresh Prince is SCREAMING for street cred! CAN'T YOU SEE???

2) Spider Man 2: $24.2 million ($301.7 million TOTAL). Not bad for a flick where the lead bad guy has BITCH TITS!!!

3) A Cinderella Story: $13.8 million opening weekend: In the brutal war betweeen Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan: Lohan continues to gain ground and close the sizable gap, but Duff STILL has more power!

All I know is that in 3 years, Duff will be Britney while Lohan will be Christina!

Hey look, the top three movies and NOT ONE OF THEM has a Ben Stiller cameo! Look at that., Hollywood!!! A movie CAN succeeed without Stiller's seal of approval! IMAGINE THAT!!!!

4) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: $13.4 million ($56.5 million total) Damn that fuckin' Ben Stiller. Damn him all to hell.

But this is one seriously funny flick. Will Ferrell has this style that is... SO his own... his deliver is pure orginal. And Christina Applegate was pretty damn funny too.

5) Fahrenheit 9/11: $7 million ($93.8 million total) If this film doesn't break 100 million, than the Bush Administration will have REALLY won!!

Michael Moore has outlasted Vin Diesal, King Arthur, and damn naked Keira Knightly, black men acting like chicks, and Tom Hanks... for chrissakes! AND BEN STILLER WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!!

In other entertainment news... in case you didn't hear: The BIGGEST show on network TV is CSI, of course... so it would stand to reason that CBS would make sure the cast of this top show stays happy, right?

Hell no! TWO CSI stars, Nick Eades and Jorja Fox, were given the almighty BOOT because they tried to renegotiate their contracts before they were even close to being up... they pitched a real fit too, showing up late for work and all that.

See, CBS already played this game with the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, and gave into their little demands... Les Moonves ain't a sucker twice! He showed these whiners the door and made DAMN sure it didn't hit them on their shapely asses on the way out!

Meanwhile, series star William Peterson, who has been in show bizness for about 30 years before stumbling onto this show and making some serious scratch for once, is STILL pissed about how they whored his show out for franchising! He's gone after his contract runs out.

Which is after this season.

In OTHER CSI news, David Caruso STILL wakes up every morning thanking Christ Almighty that he got the Miami gig... Good God ol Caruso ain't gonna do ANYTHING that'll ruin his luck and send him back to C-Level movies

Moral of the story: You don't fuck with Les Moonves. Just.... don't.

CHRISTIAN!! FINALLY I'M ON MY OW..... COMING, MY DEAR (follow-up)

Last week, I discussed how Christian is acting like a total Canadian FAG (isn't that an oxymoron REDUNDANCY???) by not trying to score some tongue booty from Trish Stratus and instead seals his lips up tighter than an altar boy's bum after Sunday Mass.

Then I posted a letter from "Charlie", who told us all about Christian's girlfriend... his brief meeting with her left LESS than a positive impression (in short, she's a world class bitch)

Well, in case you were interested... Here's a pitcure of her with Christian AND the Big Show

A few observations:

-She looks JUST LIKE TRISH!!!

-She looks like the Show is giving her a little backdoor treat

-She looks like it hurts!

-Christian looks too concerned with the camera to notice

-Christian looks like a retard

-Actually, it looks like Christian is watching the Show lay a fat pipe in on her, then looked at the camera with that wide grin as if to say, "Dude, check it out, she's TOTALLY getting hammered!"

-The Show looks like he's USED to sneaking a backdoor surprise on unsuspecting ladies

-She looks ready for the pole.

-Who am I kidding... she looks like she's danced around the pole a few times already

-Trish DOESN'T! Trish looks wholesome and innocent!

So in summary... yeah, even in this split second photo, Christian's girl looks like she has no problems issuing wise-ass snotty remarks. Even after being freshly cornholed by the Big Show.

Speaking of blonds...

WHO WANTS TO BE A DIVA??

With all this hoopla over the "Search for the Next Diva" thingy (and what happened to Jaime Koppe anyway?) I thought I'd mention THIS young girl who might... JUST MIGHT have what it takes...

She's blond! She's a model/actress/hostess/dancer. She's got big breasts and a shapely ass. She looks good in a bikini!

She is friendly and hospitable... note the introduction to her site:

Hi everybody!

Thanks so much for stopping by. I truly appreciate it.

This is the only site that I endorse, and will "personally" be updating on a regular basis. So feel free to browse and stop back often. Much like my career, this site is a work in progress, and I'm so glad you can be apart of it.

I look forward to hearing from you!

XXXOOO

She's been the cover girl on Muscle & Fitness twice

She's humble... note her "About Me" intro:

I was born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland along with my two sisters, Candice and Paula. As far back as I can remember, I was always on the go.

I drove my parents crazy, always asking for rides to my different activities. Mom would drive me to dance and cheerleading, while dad got stuck taxing me to softball practice and Saturday morning art classes.

Looking back, I was so lucky to have such loving and supportive parents, and to this day they remain my biggest influences. Together they have taught me the importance of having a strong faith and to always strive to be the best person you can be.

She's got television experience! She's had roles on such shows as Emeril, Andy Richter Control The Universe, The X Files, VIP, Beverly Hills 90210, Shasta McNasty, Mad TV, The Parkers, Keenan & Kel and Talk Soup.

She's got MOVIE experience: She's had roles on such films as License to Steel, Spooge, Face the Music, Foolish Ways, Mumford, Super Dave "Be The Man", and Father's Day

Theater? Well this up and comer has had featured roles in South Pacific (Essex Playhouse, Baltimore) and Three Sisters (Blackbox Theatre, Syracuse) and was even in the chorus for Guys and Dolls (Archbold Theatre, Syracuse)

She's trained at Syracuse University! Yes, THE Syracuse University! And in L.A. with such greats as Ivana Chubbuck, Margie Haber, Tepper Gallegos, AND Peggy Bougsoise!! When asked about her, the Actor's Studio head James Lipton said, "I never heard of the silly little trollop!"

Her SPECIAL SKILLS??? Well, how does Aerobics, Boating, Cheerleading, Dance, Jazz, Tap & Ballet, Horseback Riding: English & Western,Certified Scuba Diver, Swim, Rollerblade, Water/Snow Ski sound? PRETTY DAMN GOOD!!

So WHO is this AMAZING beauty who is just DYING for her big break and will give the world of professional wrestling her VERY BEST???

Why... it's PAMELA PAULSHOCK, OF COURSE!!

What? You mean she's ALREADY been in the business? She worked for WCW for a while as backstage interviewer? You mean she ALREADY had some SERIOUS camera time in the spotlight of a HIGHLY RATED TV SHOW??

Then why isn't she bragg... oh, wait... it's here under "Hosting"... quietly wedged between her co-host stint on the pilot for Big TV and the pilot for Sports After Dark... the only time she mentions her biggest gig to date...

Well, how DARE SHE TRY TO IGNORE HER WRESTLING CAREER!!!! WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?? BETTER THAN US???? NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WRESTLING!!! THAT UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WENCH!!!! GAAAAAAHHHH!!!

....

..... then again... who WOULDN'T want to forget working for Nitro? For cruing out loud, that show was a friggin' MESS by the time she arrived!

And she didn't exactly light the fucking show UP with her segments either!

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. C-Sucker, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He makes the TASTIEST protein shakes in all of sports entertainment. Lex Luger will KILL for the recipe to Hunter's Strawberry Frost Smoothie... I mean, he'll kill AGAIN.

DOING LINES: CAUGHT ON FILM

I found a few websites, and a lot of you have been GREAT with the submissions. I'm doing okay with movies/TV shit... so if yuou don't mind, focus on wrestling. I need wrestling promoes and little quips. Thanks.

This time, we focus on some great extended bits of dialogue... ONE line from a TV show... lots of movies that you may have not even heard about, much less seen, and an OLD SCHOOL appearence from Gene "THE FUCK" Hackman (from that crazy time known as the 70's!! Which many of you only know through books and VH1 specials)

And, as a special treat, I'm book-ending this with TWO lines from... well, why give it away! All you have to do is look exactly one line down.

01): The Germans discovered it in 1904, and they called it "San Diego", which in German means "whale's vagina".

No, I don't think that is what it means. No, it doesn't mean that.

I don't know. I was just trying to impress you. I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. The translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"?

...No. No, that isn't it.

No, I'm pretty sure that's what it means.

Agree to disagree.- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

02): The lights are growing dim Otto. I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am.

That's bullshit. You're a white suburban punk just like me.

Yeah, but it still hurts.- Repo Man

03): Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?

Yes.

How may I help you?

You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!

I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car... right... fucking... now!

May I see your rental agreement.

I threw it away.

Oh boy.

Oh boy what?

You're fucked!- Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

04): If you'd have told me a year ago that today, I'd be solving all the world's energy problems, I'd have said you were crazy. Now let's push this big ball of oil out the window.- Seinfeld

05): What's your name, again?

I am Sancho.

Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno?

I am Sancho.

Great... but what do you do?

What do I do? I am Sancho.

And...?

And there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... am Sancho.

And...?

Are you Sancho? No you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...

You... are Sancho!

That's right.

Okay, you're hired.- Orgazmo

06): You said don't shoot him, right? Well I didn't; I strangled him.

(Stunned silence from Denzel Washington as Easy Rawlins)

C'mon, Easy, if you didn't want me to kill him, why did you leave me alone

with him?- Devil in a Blue Dress

07): Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?

He's Caucasian.

Caucasian?

Yeah, you know, a white guy. A mustache. About five-foot-ten.

That's an awfully big mustache.- The Naked Gun 21/2: The Smell of Fear

08): How much is the ransom?

It WAS $500,000.00.

That shouldn't be a problem.

He complained.

He complained??

So we dropped our price to $50,000.00.

Yeah....

He didn't pay.

He didn't pay??

So now we're dropping our price to $10,000.00....

Do I understand this correctly? I'm being MARKED DOWN?? What is this, the bargain basement?? [crying] I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!!!- Ruthless People

09): I'm gonna take you right down in that alley there. Right down there. And we'll start, we'll start on your throat, right here. Bustin' everything in it. You like that, uh. Then your belly. I'll start workin' on your belly. I'm gonna hit you so fuckin' hard, that the belly's gonna break your backbone.

Je comprends pas.

You compris that?

Non.

No, you don't understand, huh? Then I'm gonna work on your arms. I'm gonna set 'em over a kerb. I'm gonna use 'em for a trampoline and jump up and down on 'em. And then your kneecaps. One, two. Kneecaps. Oatmeal. I'll mke oatmeal outta your fuckin' kneecaps. And when I get done with you, you're gonna put me right in Charnier's lap.- The French Connection II

10): For Channel 4 News, I'm Veronica Corningstone. Thanks for stopping by.

And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Great line... great scene... solid, FUNNY movie. Except for Ben Stiller.... there was NO reason for Ben Stiller to get in there.

We'll call it quits here.

On THURSDAY... Vince McMahon promised a column! I've got Advice. I've got wrestling quotes. I have a Internet porno girl from Montreal who is just absolutely ADORABLE... and.... I dunno, actually, other stuff.

Hey look, this column, minus the POPULAR box office segment, the POPULAR movie quotes segment, and the NECESSARY plugs was ALL ABOUT RASSLIN'! with some bits of news that NO ONE EVER COVERED!!!

Who the HELL says I don't cover news? Rasslin' News? Well, lookee here! I guess I DO!!

So, you can take my wang and you can GOBBLE it!! Yeah, YOU!

This is Hyatte